lunedì, aprile 18, 2005

Cronache O.G.M.

http://citarsiaddosso.blogspot.com/ Posted by Hello


Sapete, mi è successa una cosa strana arrivando qui, Oggi al supermercato aggirandomi tra scompartimenti di surgelati e cassiere procaci e ingrugnate trovo finalmente la mia confezione di pomodori Pachino e chiedo ad un commesso :"scusate ma in questo supermercato vendete prodotti O.G.M. ?" lui mi guarda con la faccia di chi abbia appena sentito dire una bestemmia durante l’angelus e poi grattandosi la testa risponde "Ovviamente no, noi trattiamo solo prodotti naturali". Mentre torno a casa i miei pomodori pachino dal fondo della busta cominciano ad intonare un gospel "duu uap duu uap" e poi un meraviglioso coro a cappella intitolato "Salvaci o San Marzano" recita una storia straziante di un campo lontano, in Lucania, dove sereni vivevano prima di essere colti da un extracomunitario sottopagato e incazzato, che a sua volta cantava un gospel più straziante del loro che stranamente ha lo stesso titolo e così, commosso e toccato, per farli sentire meno soli rinuncio alla mia cena con le trenette allo scoglio e li porto a visitare gli stabilimenti Cirio nel cui ingresso campeggia una scritta a caratteri cubitali che recita più o meno "La passata nobilita il pomodoro". Scopro così parlando con i pachino superstiti, che grazie alla Mappatura del Dna, ad esempio, alcuni tipi di riso sono creati incrociando il loro codice genetico con quello degli scorpioni, così come quello delle zucchine lo sarà un domani con quello dei pachidermi, ma ci sarà anche l’incrocio dei cocomeri con il dna di un bassotto per renderli più dolci ed assolutamente fedeli, potrete avere un Melone da guardia, così come la Nespola da riporto e il Tamarindo da tartufo. Una mia zia di vigevano mi ha chiesto "Tesoro, tu che abiti a Roma quand’é che mi porti due bei Pompelmi da corsa?" Io ad esempio per la mia casa al mare cerco da mesi una quasi introvabile Banana a remi e darei una cifra imbarazzante per poter portare a fare pipi alle 5 del mattino il mio Peperone Cocker. Assisteremo ad un proliferare di incroci ad una continua commistione di generi, tutto per venire incontro alle nostre infinite esigenze, tenderemo alla perfezione assoluta, potremo avere pezzi di ricambio nuovi di zecca per quelle parti del corpo che non funzionano più, passeggeremo nervosamente, avanti e indietro, nella sala d’aspetto di un ospedale, poi un infermiera dalla cuffia improbabile e il camice verde, uscendo dalla sala parto ci condurrà verso un grande vetro, indicandoci la terza incubatrice da sinistra. E finalmente lo vedremo, il nostro fegato nuovo, lo guarderemo con aria commossa, e penseremo due cose, la prima, che purtroppo siamo brutti anche dentro, la seconda che forse ci salveremo dalla cirrosi. Il vicino ci guarderà sorridente e ci indicherà una incubatrice poco distante, " è il mio" dirà "... sa, l’abbiamo aspettato tanto, finalmente potremo tornare ad avere una vita sessuale soddisfacente" La moglie lo guarderà con aria scettica e poi dirà "beh, Wilfred, già che te lo sei fatto clonare, dovevi fartelo rifare proprio uguale...?" Lo fisseremo commossi, sarà proprio come lo avevamo immaginato, "tutto suo padre", penseremo a tutte le cose che potremo fare insieme, come tornare a bere il bourbon e prenotare una stanza alla clinica Betty Ford. E poi sfiniti dopo una notte brava, dire ad un branco di occhi spalancati e curiosi " salve, sono Ernst. W. e sono un alcolizzato." sono soddisfazioni. Intorno a noi sarà tutta una pacca sulla spalla abbracci e persino qualche lacrima di commozione, come il Sig. H. che pochi passi dietro di noi porterà a casa la sua gamba nuova di zecca in una custodia da violoncello, leggendo avidamente le istruzioni per il montaggio e controllando il contenuto della scatola "sa, manca sempre un perno o una vite, come da Ikea, un anno fa ho perso una mano rimontata male durante una partita a dama cinese".
così, con le lacrime agli occhi lascio i miei rubizzi compagni di viaggio, grato e sconvolto per avermi aperto gli occhi con un fiero "per non dimenticare!!" e loro ricambiano intonando un polifonico "Amico è".
Salgo in auto e penso che sono fuori tempo fuori posto, che non capisco questo mondo e che devo ricucire il buco sui pantaloni, ormai, si vede la coda...

103 Comments:

Blogger Evdea said...

Io i pomodorini li tengo sul balcone di casa, mio padre armeggia con serre improvvisate usando di tutto, il celophane della tintoria le buste della sma... due metri quadri di terrazzo sui quali fa i suoi esperimenti di coltura in vaso,e io di notte penso alla piantina carnivora della piccola bottega degli orrori, e quando il vento cala alcune volte mi capita di sentire cantare...

9:06 AM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

Circa le aberrazioni genetiche, io ne sono un prototipo. Gianniegianni è un modello straordinario in cui sono stati combinati differenti e selezionati codici genetici: dal Mochovileda i capelli, dal caco gli occhi (perchè sono giallo-arancio), dal silicone le labbra, dal pomelo l'incarnato (quel giallo-rosa, frutto di incesto...) ...
Insomma, si è trattato di un tentativo multiDNA che ha sortito un esito assolutamente inaspettato ...
A motivo di ciò il mondo scientifico è in trepidante attesa di osservare le evoluzioni del portentoso composto nel tempo ...

10:18 AM  
Blogger mn said...

TUTTI LI' AD ANALIZZARE QUELLO CHE SI MANGIA, CHE NOIOSI CHE SIETE...
DEL RESTO, NON VA DI MODA LA CUCINA ETNICA? E ALLORA, SPERIMENTIAMO NUOVI NON-SAPORI...
IL POMODORO CHE SA DI NIENTE, LA LATTUGA CHE SA DI POCHISSIMO, LE BANANE CHE SANNO DI (AUTO CENSURA/AUTOCENSURA/AUTOCENSURA).

FACCIO DEI COMMENTI COSI' INTELLIGENTI!

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonimo said...

Ciccino mio, hanno indetto un nuovo concorso: "C'era una volta". L'idea è di scrivere una fiaba con una morale più o meno esplicita. Che ne dici?
Partecipiamo?
Lo sai che io faccio solo quello che fai tu (oltre a far fuori M., Emy e tutte le altre senza esclusione), perciò decidi e fammi sapere. Me lo dici di persona quando ci vediamo, ok?

;o)

5:17 PM  
Blogger alpan said...

Signor hobbs tu sai bene che io di incroci sono un cultore ma questi sono davvero pericolosi….
Mi veniva in mente che forse i pomodori sono concentrati perché la scritta che campeggia all’ ingresso degli stabilimenti Cirio recita "La passata nobilita il pomodoro”….
Mi auguro che in un futuro non troppo prossimo non mi confondano l’incubatrice con il sig. Wilfred .. …..te l’avevo detto che la coda già cominciava a vedersi dai pantaloni.
P.S: altro grande post!!!

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Vera said...

Sei proprio simpatico e pieno di humor! Io, invece, MAI pomidorini geneticamente modificati, perchè nella mia terrazza ho solo quelli "appena cagati...". Potrò sembrare un po' volgarotta ma è così: qualche anno fa avevo due coniglietti nani (quelli erano super geneticamente modificati!!!) che, dopo aver mangiato dei bei pomidorini se ne andavano a depositare allegramente cacchette da un vaso all'altro. Così, da molto tempo, ho sempre i vasi pieni di pomodori....per trasmigrazione delle anime, anzi....dei semi di pomodoro!
Eh,eh,eh!!;_D Vera

10:24 PM  
Anonymous nocedifool said...

e ci credo che sono pachini un pochino modificati... quelli nell'immagine che hai messo sono peperoni!!!! ;)
senti un po' cos'è sta cosa La passata nobilità il pomodoro?... e la futura cosa fa? li rende sottoproletari?
... pessima... cartellino giallo. me lo do da sola.

10:37 PM  
Anonymous hobbs said...

@evdea: meglio un piccolo orto su un terrazzo, che laboratori dove creare sapori chimici..

@Gianniegianni: tu sei l'eccezione che conferma la regola...

@mn: sempre li a vantarti :)

@alpan:...hai una seguace pochi commenti sotto, letto noce?...

@vera: ...concordo i coniglietti nani sono senz'altro O.G.M. proprio come il nostro silvio nazionale e non solo per le dimensioni ridotte...

@noce:...che sorpresa, non ti facevo anche funambola del gioco di parole, niente cartellino giallo...

2:35 AM  
Blogger gipsyqueen said...

Divertentissimo, come sempre! :-)
Però l'uva senza semi che vendono al mio supermercato è uno sballo. Prima l'uva non la mangiavo perchè i semi mi andavano di traverso. Una mia amica faceva di peggio: sputava semi e bucce (sì, anche le bucce)sul tavolo, questo nel bel mezzo di un'amena conversazione nella mia cucina (va da sè che la volta dopo che venne a trovarmi, nascosi l'uva)

12:05 PM  
Anonymous hobbs said...

@gipsy: ..grande! meno male che non gli hai offerto il cocomero, sennò sai che raffiche :)....

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Una Persona Intorno said...

Sai che passo sempre..e che mi strappi un sorriso anche quando la curva del mio fa un giro più breve.
Non è poco, non è poco.."modificarmi" la faccia.

:-)..te lo lascio il mio o.g.m!

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Vera said...

Eh,eh,eh.......non parliamo del Silvio!!!!!

5:57 PM  
Anonymous hobbs said...

@upi: ...non me lo sogno nemmeno di modificarti la faccia... :)
ma se fossi capace farti star meglio...

@vera: ..he, he, giusto, poi il miliardario ridens si commenta da solo, è inutile raccontare barzellette su di lui, basta leggere la finanziaria 2004, roba da sganasciarsi....

6:25 PM  
Blogger margherita said...

grazie dei sinceri commenti ed apprezzamenti :)

9:38 AM  
Anonymous skritch said...

no comment.
nel senso che non riesco a lasciare commenti!!!!

10:49 AM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

Ma Scric, scusa, non riesci a scrivere dentro al quadrettino "Leave your comment" o sei senza un spunto? Perchè alla seconda non ci credo ... Proprio tu, che riesci sempre a commmentare i post più improbabili sul mio blog!?!?
Dài, dicci la verità: da quando ti abbiamo adottato la mia cucina a base di gatto fritto, soia e pizze surgelate della BoFrost, ti ha fatto rimpiangere i pomodori rosso amaranto da un chilo e il mais giallo oro dai chicchi perfettamente sferici?
E bene che tuo padre adottivo è veramente un gran gourmet, anche se io non gli permetto di entrare in cucina perchè ho appena dato lo straccio...
;o)

11:27 AM  
Anonymous skritch said...

no, è che non riuscivo a entrare nella pagina commenti, e se entravo mi faceva
"attendere prego."

...


...


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"attendere prego"


e col cavolo che mi facevo impallare il pc mentre il capo può sbucarmi alle spalle (un po' come a te) :D

allora cosa metto nel cestino della merenda oggi papi? :)
(paninoconlafrittatatipreeeeegoooo!!!!)

12:56 PM  
Anonymous skritch said...

PS: sorry, d'ora in poi da me si può commentare solo se si è loogati su splinder. contromisure di sicurezza (stiamo un po' a vedere) :D baci baci
dalla vostra aff.ma stronzetta e rosicona ... (this is my niu luc!) :D

1:42 PM  
Blogger mn said...

hobbs, sento la tua mancanza. mi sto divertendo da pazzi, come mi avevi detto tu, però tu non ci sei...:(( (sto imparando a fare le faccine?)

strabaci

1:46 PM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

Scric, hai vatto bene a prendere misure. DEFcon1: ma io sono tra quelli che possono venire da te?
Devo aspettarmi un invito?
Quale mia adottiva, sono fiera che tu sappia dire "basta" e mandare a fare in culo chi non vuole capire.
(che dici, soffro della sindrome di identificazione madre - figlia? sai, la menopausa, l'ultimo lifting non perfettamente riuscito e il silicone alle labbra, mi danno da pensare...)

;o)

2:25 PM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

da parte di papà: il panino con la frittata l'hai già mangiato ieri e non lo hai digerito, metà è finito pure sulla cattedra della prof. Perciò optiamo oggi per qualcosa di irresistibile, un tramezzino con i gamberetti e la salsa cocktail - che ti voglio precoce sugli alcolici - e lo yogurt Yomo al malto che non ha i pezzi di frutta da sputacchiare in giro come sei solita fare.
Passa dalla colf che ti fa le trecce e ti consegna il cestino e i 100 euri settimanali.
baci, pàHobbs

2:30 PM  
Blogger hobbs said...

..o gesù, mi assento un'oretta e al posto del blog mi ritrovo la famiglia Bradford.... :))

P.S.
ma Nicholas ha fatto i compiti...?

2:57 PM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

... ma come Nicholas?!?!? Guarda che dovevi andarlo a prendere TU oggi alle 13 a scuola!!! Ma non dirmelo, non dirmi che ti sei dimenticato un'altra volta ... e così anche oggi l'avrà raccattato su Zoe, il transessuale che abita lì di fronte, e si staranno truccando da il gatto e la volpe ...
Vabbè, và, prendo la macchina e ci faccio un salto veloce, ahce se ho la torta in forno ... non so nenache io cosa è meglio ...
Stasera, comunque, facciamo i conti.

3:47 PM  
Blogger hobbs said...

@gianniegianni: tutto questo succede perchè viviamo in un paese di moralisti, perbenisti e bigotti e siamo obbligati a negarci i profilattici, a fare otto, dico otto, figli a botta e perderceli come pedine del domino...

3:58 PM  
Blogger mn said...

ah, ma allora lo fai apposta... rispondi a tutti meno che a me!!!!!!
"gelosia, ti acceca ti uccide assurda malattia, il cuore combatte per mandarla via..." mi consolo ascoltando Bobby Solo ( o era Little Tony?)

4:10 PM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

Ben detto, caro. Però, come pedine di domino mi pare veramente teribbbbbile!!! Guarda che io su Nicholas ci contavo, perchè se per Marghe, Daniela e Sara - che son donne - non ci facevo investimenti (tutte zoccole sono), sul nostro ultimo genito avevo pensato ad avvocato. Perché diciamocelo, un legale in casa torna sempre comodo. Considerando l'ipotesi di un terzo intervento di liposuzione e di una limatina ulteriore agli zigomi, sai, un incidente sotto i ferri ... ci scappa pure la setimana ai Caraibi per tutti.

4:13 PM  
Blogger hobbs said...

...ragazzi riponiamo il cognac il rosso antico e lo zabov e quelli tra di voi che si sono appropinquati per codesti lidi a bordo di comode ed accessoriate autobotti, possono serenamente riprendere la strada di casa, l'ETILOPARTY è terminato, così come il mio penoso tentativo di dare linea editoriale ed equilibro a questo mio amato blog...

4:24 PM  
Anonymous gianniegianni said...

... ma ... come?
Provi a redarguirmi?
Guarda, secondo me questo blog è il luogo ideale per ludici dibattiti e per ponderose alzate di gomito. Non so perchè cerchi linea editoriale ed equilibrio: è quello che hanno tanti altri tristi blog e proprio in ciò sta la differenza.
Pertanto, tesoro, vedi di abboccare il vermentino che hai lì davanti e di smangiucchiarci pure un anacardo o due, sbriciolando amabilmente il divanetto su cui stai seduto...
;o)

4:55 PM  
Blogger Emy said...

:-)

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Vera said...

Ciao Hobbs, vieni a fare un giro sul mio blog più casereccio, quello in cui parlo dei miei lavori? Ti dedico la tazza con l'apona e i fiori....l'ho fatta io come tutto il resto.
http://www.hobby.diablogando.it/main.php?blogid=305
Ciao, buon 25 aprile! Vera

3:45 PM  
Anonymous Stefania said...

Ehi, ciao! :-)
Sono passata a salutarti e mi sono fatta un bel pò di risate! grande! :-)
E a proposito di quella cosa che mi hai chiesto l'altra volta... chitarra!
A presto ;-)

6:16 PM  
Blogger hobbs said...

@mn: ..era bobby solo! arrivo arrivo....

@vera: passo a trovarti prestissimo...

@stefania: :) ottima scelta....

10:55 AM  
Blogger hobbs said...

@emy: ...perchè?....

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Anonymous skritch said...

... uhm .... qui c'è qualcosa che non mi torna. ho controllato l'estratto anagrafico e mi risulto essere zia adottiva del vostro primo nato (devid o tommi? meglio tommi va' che fa un po' paperino e mi sta più simpatico) che mi risultava scrivere al contrario.

nel frattempo sono anche stata adottata da voi come figlia (la nona?) :)

grazie delle dovute spiegazioni!
e un cicchettino di vermentino anche a me, grazie!
:)

11:32 AM  
Blogger mn said...

me sto a diverti' 'n botto...
certo che tutti 'sti complimenti faranno molto molto male al mio ego. sono gia' 'na gran rompicojoni così figurate se mi continuano a slinguazzare così...

4:51 PM  
Blogger mn said...

beh che c'e' nun te piace???

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